during the last couple of months there have been so many moments where i have thought the statement, "this is so weird." like when i watched my very last high school football game, when i picked up my graduation gown, when my friend opened up his mission call, when i was registering for college, when i realized i was at my last school dance, when i sang our school hymn for the very last time, and when i was driving to my own graduation. "this is so weird" is the only way i can think to describe what i was feeling in all of those moments.
weird? but what do i mean by weird?
in third grade my elementary school teacher would have us learn one word every week. one day this kid who had developed quite the afro in his youth, would wear an elmo jacket every single day, and would chase girls around the play ground with his endless amount of energy trying to kiss them, described the word "weird." this was quite the coincidence because everyone who ever came into contact with him would label him as "weird" and he took pride in that. in class that day he described this word and said, "i looked up weird in the dictionary and it means 'different than expected'.
and that's how i feel right now: "different than expected". and really, i couldn't have been expecting it because it's an emotion i've never experienced before. it's along the lines of "bittersweet" but even that doesn't do it justice. "bittersweet" seems like the kind of word you would use when you're leaving summer camp: you'll miss the people you met, but you're kind of tired of making hemp bracelets. but this is no summer camp!... THIS IS MY ENTIRE LIFE. everything i've ever known. the sharp turn after the duck pond, mutual on wednesdays and piano on thursday's and hanging out with the same friends every friday night. it's consistent and it's reliable and it's everything i've ever known, and it's ALL CHANGING.
the night before graduation the dixie high seniors received our yearbooks and as me and all my friends sat at a table trading year books to sign and talking about all of our memories this past year. i thought doing this was going to make me depressed, but it had the opposite effect. instead i felt so happy and blessed to have the friends in my life that i do.
these last few months have been a constant roller coaster of motions about high school ending and everything i know and am familiar with coming to an end. my friends and i have been taking advantage of the time we have left and have been spending it all together. every time we are together i wonder if this will be the last time we will ever all be together for a while, or even forever, and that makes me straight up DEPRESSED.
happy, excited, depressed, confused, sad, happy, scared, sad, excited, sad
these emotions have been on a constant repeat all of senior year and i do not think they will be going anywhere anytime soon.
the next time an adult comes up and enthusiastically asks me the notorious question,"what are your plans after graduating?? with the follow up of "how do you feel about graduating? i think instead of trying to explain this my-whole-life-is-being-ripped-from-me-but-i-kinda-like-it emotion i'll just stick with: "this is so weird."
that is all.
i would like to end this post by sharing pictures of (some of) the people who have impacted me through high school and more importantly this year <3 you guys made it all worth it.
peace out high school
sincerely, the graduate
-lex
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